A British woman, in her 30s and residing in Spain for the past decade, has voiced concerns regarding her Spanish partner's exceptionally close relationship with his mother. The woman, who has lived with her partner for a year, describes feeling a mix of anger, jealousy, and helplessness due to the dynamic, which she believes has developed into an unhealthy, codependent bond.
The cultural context of strong family ties in Spain and other southern European countries is acknowledged, yet the woman finds specific behaviours, such as the mother's manipulative comments like "I never see you," particularly challenging. She also noted a pattern where her partner becomes more affectionate towards her after spending time with his mother, which she finds unsettling. This emotional attachment has led her to question the viability of building a future together.
When attempting to discuss her feelings, the woman reports that her partner becomes defensive, leading her to minimise her concerns. To gain clarity, she sought advice, which included insights from Jason Maldonado-Page, a UKCP-accredited psychotherapist and social worker with a southern European background. Maldonado-Page highlighted that the woman is navigating a complex family system from an external perspective, lacking the full historical context and cultural norms.
Maldonado-Page explained that the partner, an only child whose father left during his adolescence, may have grown up feeling responsible for his mother's emotional well-being. This bond, central to his sense of safety for a significant period, could explain his defensiveness when the relationship is questioned. The psychotherapist also suggested that increased affection after seeing his mother might be a coping mechanism to regulate anxiety or repair tension, rather than direct influence.
The expert advice encourages the couple to explore their respective upbringings and expectations around family closeness and loyalty to foster mutual understanding. The emphasis is on establishing boundaries that allow the couple's relationship to flourish without necessitating a complete rejection of the mother. It is suggested that the goal should be to reshape the existing family dynamic, creating space for the couple, rather than forcing the partner to choose between his mother and his girlfriend.